Tag Archives: longing

Hey baby,
tonight I am writing you from outside on my patio.
It's a lovely night, the stars are out and shining brightly.
It's cool but not frigid, my fingers aren't too cold to type.
It's quiet where I live.
There is never any city noise.
There is just the stillness of the trees suspended in the dark night air.
My dogs are out here with me, I am never afraid to be out alone at night.
In fact I do pretty much everything in my life alone.
Well if you know my blog, you know I have a little daughter but she is tucked away in bed now.
Tonight I want to tell you a story or two about basically my sex life and how I ended up where I am at today.

I was born on the West coast of Canada, so picture that as my accent.  
I have been recently been described as sounding "violently American".
I don't live in Canada anymore but that is beside the point.
When I was young my first love was when I was 15 or 16.
I lost my virginity to his fingers.
If I knew what I know now about sex, I would have told myself not to bother with my rule of "waiting until I was 18" - which I did do by the way.
That love ended and I can actually still remember the look of anguish in his eyes.

I hoped around from boy to boy for a bit during high school.  I didn't sleep with any of them but I did not really stick around with anyone specific.
I think I was searching for something that even to this day I have not found.

Then there was another one, I met him at work, the first guy I slept with.
He took me across the country and I helped him buy a house there, an investment property.  When we got back, he told me he had a long term girlfriend and I was just basically his piece of ass on the side.  I didn't see him again after that no matter how much he begged me.

I went to university, I was a good girl there, no partying, no sleeping around.  I studied hard and got a degree and seven other fancy expensive waste of time pieces of paper.  One day in Kinesiology class, a guy sat down beside me.  Long story short but I ended up running away from home with him, he proposed, I said yes, I had a son with him when I was 22.  He turned out to be a giant ass hole and destroyed my life.  The only good thing that I did there was not marry him.  He still has my son and I don't know much about him.

Fast forward of how I left that relationship, I met another guy in a night school college class and he wanted to know about me.  I told him my story and he told me if I wanted to ever leave the loser who was abusing me that his door was open.  One day I ran away to his house, left my son's father and my son because he wouldn't let me take him and I went and rocked new guys world.  I remember him saying he did not know women could be like me in bed.  If my memory serves me right I remember continuously begging for more.  That ended after a month when he wanted to try to get back together with his wife and get his kids back...

Next thing I knew I was on my own, in my own little place, I was 24 and I picked up a guy from the gym.  We dated a bit but he was older, I think 35, and he was terrible in bed.  I remember making out with him down by the river on a bench and inviting him back to my place.  Well when we got back to my place, he said his cock did not work that way and he couldn't get a hard on again.  He also physically threw me off of him when I came a second time on his dick.  Apparently I wasn't allowed to have more orgasums than he was.  That did not last .... thank you, next.

I had a guy I met online on plenty of fish that was my side piece I would talk to over the years while this was going on with my son's father and Mr. can't-get-it-up-twice.  Well let's just say, I was in love with him but he never made an effort to come and meet me.  His sister is my best friend now but he won't talk to me anymore because she is my friend.  O.M.G. another strike out for me.

Meanwhile, I knew a man from when I used to be a cam girl (online stripper) when I was 19ish.  We had stayed in touch over the years through email and basically we started up a long distance relationship.  He was in Australia, I was in Canada.  He was a lot older than me.  He promised me the world, I believed him.  I moved to Australia, lived with him, had a kid with him etc.  That all was fine and dandy until I had his baby.  Did you even know that some men lose ALL interest in their partners after they have a kid?  It's a true story.  He forgot I was a woman who had needs and wasn't just a mommy. 

I ended up cheating on him when my daughter was just over one years old.  A young hot guy came to fix my house and I shamelessly flirted with him.  We had AMAZING sex.  I fucked him on the grass in the middle of a school oval in the middle of the night.  Out in the bush in the outback of Australia on a mattress in the dirt.  In his room in the mining camp I made a giant mess of his bed.  In the shower he picked me up and fucked me against the tiled wall.  Actually I think it was the best sex I have ever had in my life, that was about 5 years ago.  He got tired of me and moved on to the next job in the next town with his next girl.

Then around the same time I met hot handyman, I was looking around on YouTube for something to get off to and I found an erotic audio.  I got hooked on the narrators voice and emailed him back once.  He responded and this started a 6 year infatuation with said narrator.  I thought he was the one.  Finally I had found someone to match my freak.  He was older than me too (like 20 years).  He told me he loved me and was going to move to be near me, blah blah blah.  Heart break after heart break with that man.  He was my twin flame and that was excruciatingly painful.  I had to do ALOT of healing on my heart and when he didn't wish me a happy birthday this year, I finally decided that was it.  I was not going to tolerate him anymore.  It's over with him.

But I wish I could say I was a good girl through all this because I wasn't.  I seduced my chiropractor into spanking me after hours in his office.  To be fair it was his fault when he started it by spanking me once on the office with my shoe when I was getting my adjustment done.  Nothing else happened because you know, he was a married man who had a pregnant wife at home.  God I am such a hussy.

Let's see what else.  When I hit my 30s I started to TRY to behave myself but I also wanted to find the one.  So when opportunities came around like the guy I met at the lake, I went for them.  But that never went anywhere beyond texting and getting blocked by him.  Another heartbreak.

Recently, I broke one of my rules and messed around a bit with one of the single dads at my daughters school.  Our kids are in love with each other so we end up spending a lot of time together.  Friday nights over at my house, kids are watching a movie, we go to my room and mess around.  I actually tried really hard to NOT do anything with him but can I be totally honest?  I wanted to try out some moves I read about in my giant erotica collection.  So I one time I gave him a blow job.  Another time I learned he had never had anal sex so you know I took his virginity.  Except I was so fucking horny that I didn't teach him how to do it properly so if he ever try's it again with another woman she will hate him/it.  It was a no lube, no problem desperation situation that I paid for, for a week afterwards.  

Then I got hit up by the 20 year old right, remember I told you and I had a revelation that maybe I had it all wrong.  Instead of going after older mature guys who were supposed to have some experience and know how to rock my world, maybe I should go for a younger one.  We all know young guys and their testosterone levels.  Well.... last night he told me I was too needy.  Well Fuck.  I let down my guard to show him what I am really like.  The needy closet slut isn't even wanted by the young ones. Now what?

Is it my fate that I am just going to be stuck alone with my way too many sex toys and terrible experiences with men for the rest of my life?  Should I even bother trying any more?  Should I just delete all my social media so I can't get hit up again by anyone?  No one is going to ever find me where I live so I am not worried about that.  But for real, is it because I am a mom?  Am I cursed to be this needy closet slut who will be alone forever?  Does our other half even exist? Is it even possible that there is a man out there who has a sex drive high enough to match mine.  That has a heart deep enough to match my relentless passions.  That has arms strong enough to hold this physically strong, fiercely independent woman?  And the worst part of all of this is that I am stunningly beautiful too.  I am a knock out if I actually put a dress on.  SO what the hell is wrong with me?  Am I just doomed by the universe?  What the fuck did I do wrong in a past life?  I just don't know anymore.  I don't have answers anymore.

I will sit and I will blog and I will stay home and I will not engage in anything anymore.  Because I am getting tired of men who cannot handle me.  A Leo woman who spits fire, can run circles around you, kick your ass and give amazing eye rolling, toe cracking, forget your name head.  

If you made it this far, thank you for being here to share my journey with me.  I really appreciate you.  I will continue writing you dirty little love letters when I am horny as fuck.  Would you like that?

Love from
your dream girl
xoxo