They ask why I am so bitter why this anger consumes every cell of my being bitch I ran away from home when I was 19 stripped to eat and pay that tuition put eight years of time in got way too many degrees you know they don't like girls with brains looks and sass never could get a job with all those expensive papers then if you listen to your mama do what she says and study something you hate then you are fucked for life burn that fucking university down it is such a joke anyways but life teaches you that - not the classes. Then you might believe the first sweet talking boy you sit down beside gives you a ring, knocks you up that was over a decade ago now your boy won't speak to you anymore because you wouldn't stay with this daddy because he beat you, raped you and stole all your cash, his punk ass father who still lives with mommy taught him that. Now you hate children, hate life, and hate yourself Wish I had the hate before the second baby came around, but I couldn't get it right this time could I? No had to find an emasculated man with no balls this time, all that leaves you with is trapped now in another country half way round the world from home no help, no family, no friends. Depending on a man who only ever let you down. So you work so fucking hard, no sleep, no time to smile at your baby. Because you can't breathe ... what if she turns out like you and chooses a man who can't provide? Then you have to be there all the time because no one was ever there for you. No freedom, even when they are grown. Into year five and your ready to lay down and die. You take one last chance and open your heart again, but of course it didn't work. Why would something actually work for me? So I take my rage and channel it this time maybe I will get somewhere get something accomplished and get away. But where do you go when everywhere you run to leads to doom? Maybe one day I will get a forest to call my own be left alone to rot in my own anger, but I have plans, and a fire still in my heart. Determination to get somewhere or fuck it I will die trying. There has to be something in this life worth working for. Maybe for me it is just to be by myself, to have peace and be left alone. Busting upper limits just to get some space everyone on Earth is striving for someone, something, when all I really want is some space, some silence and a chance to breathe. Something to stop this suffocation ... for fucks sakes how hard can it be to just be left alone? No more people, no more kids, no more men, no more pain. Not sure how much more of Earth I can tolerate, planning my demise, and yet I still try. Too many rules, too many kids, too much responsibility, too much sacrifice. Too little pleasure, too little peace, too little sleep, too little too late for me.
Thank you to Saweetie for her raps that keep my head in the game. I’ve been listening to this on repeat today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id2KPR9wmuk
Divinity Brownwood 